Sometimes those online mom groups aren’t good for our brain

A few weeks ago, a woman posted in a community group about how someone in her son’s class (and she named the class) took some of her son’s Easter candy that he brought to school.  She proceeded to identify the candy and how upsetting this was to her.  

As this was an elementary school child, all sorts of things went through my head- Did he eat it and forget? Did he trade it with his friend for something he liked better?  Did he lose it?  All things I could have seen my kids doing at that age and saw kids do when I worked in that setting.  It also could have been taken.  Because kids do that too. 

The other pressing question that I pondered on was, “What makes people want to share all their irritations with tens of thousands of community members?

I see it almost daily.  

This red truck cut me off in traffic today, shame on you- proceeds to share picture and license plate of truck.

These kids were out riding their bikes past my house at 1 am , and you parents should be ashamed.  What’s wrong with parents these days- blasts Ring camera video.

Don’t ever go to Sam at Hair Salon x.  I didn’t show up for my appointment and she charged me the no show fee even though I told her I forgot. 

What happens next?

A flood of support.

Oh my gosh, that’s awful.  

I can’t believe that happened to you.

I would be so mad.

What’s wrong with people.  

You should report them.

Parents are awful.

Kids are awful.

Hair dressers are awful.

Everything is awful.

Ok, I’m being a little facetious but I think you know what I am talking about. 

But let’s get serious.  As a sociologist, therapist, and neuroscience enthusiast, I started to think more about what this does to the brain. What started as a quick, annoying moment quickly turns into a three day, hundred post thread, often leaving us more mad than when it happened.

What we used to brush off, we now blow up- not always intentionally, but because we know if we post it, we will get support. We need support and once people start validating our experience and sharing their own stories, it feels like proof- See, I’m not crazy.  This really was a big deal. But the more we do this, the less we practice just moving on, letting things go, holding space for frustration without needing to make it a bigger deal than it needs to be. 

So What Happens in the Brain?

Our brains love a pattern. It is constantly wiring and rewiring itself based on what we repeat. When we vent- and get rewarded for it with likes, comments or engagement, our brain starts to associate venting with connection.  

It goes something like this:

I’m irritated so I post.

When I post people agree with me.

When people agree with me, I feel better/validated.

Insert surge of good brain chemicals that make me feel good.

We’ve created a pattern in our brain.  

Next time something annoying happens, my brain will want that same hit.  Over time, our brain will start scanning for things to be irritated by, not because we are negative people, but because we are training it to look for what will give us the emotional and chemical payoff.

Rumination

Instead of calling a girlfriend to vent for five minutes or processing and letting go- (what we did before social media), now we feed our frustrations because when we post and the feed fills with comments, we aren’t just validating the feelings, we are intensifying them.  One once might have been a minor irritation, now lives in our nervous system and not because it is that serious, but because we’ve made it bigger than maybe it needs to be. And let’s face it, social media often rewards outrage.

When repeated often enough, this rewires our emotional responses.  We become less tolerant of discomfort, more easily overwhelmed, and more dependent on external validation to regulate how we feel.  

False Sense of Confidence

True confidence is backed by self awareness and emotional resilience.  It is an internal job.  But we post online, we are seeking external validation from 500 community strangers and the more we rely on this, the further we get from our internal compass. We can start to feel self-assured, even righteous, when we’re actually just stuck in a cycle of confirmation bias.

So What Can We Do?

It’s not about never venting or needing support but maybe we need to rethink how we get that support and be more discerning in what we share publicly. We need to be more intentional in interrupting a pattern that doesn’t serve us or our brain.  

When we experience a frustration, we can reflect and ask ourselves a few key questions:

Will this matter in 24 hours, one week, one month?  If not, I can probably move on.

Will posting this help me move on or keep me stuck in a loop of anger or frustration?

Am I looking for clarity or validation?

Can I let this be small?

The brain learns from repetition- which means it can unlearn things too.  The more we practice pausing, reflecting, and moving through our emotions without holding onto them, the more emotionally resilient and grounded we become.  

An emotion only lasts about 90 seconds. 

 It’s up to us if we want to let it go or hold onto it (post about it) and let it grow.